The purpose of this post is to share my personal experience and to also let others moms know there are other options out there if you aren’t happy with the way you are doing things. If everything is working great for you, you and your family are happy, healthy, and well-rested, keep on keepin’ on. I would never want this post to make anyone feel wrong or guilty about their choices. I believe involved parents are all trying to do what’s best for their children and what established authorities have told them is best. Also note, this post is not medical advice. I am a mom of three sharing my experiences.Continue reading “How I Inadvertently Became an Attachment Parent and Why It Isn’t For Me”
Being a SAHM (stay-at-home mom) in some circles is a great thing and in others it’s frowned upon. (Don’t believe me? Watch this.) I have been scrutinized for choosing to be a SAHM, and we all know the typical adage of a SAHM sitting around eating bon bons. Ha! There are stereotypes of all kinds of moms, whether you work outside the home or in the home. Why don’t we stop judging people based on stereotypes and commend the actual efforts they are making for their families, amen? Anyway, how can you judge a person based on their title? You can only judge individual behaviors as being lazy, etc. It is possible to be lazy no matter what work you do as a mom.
This is MY cup of tea, it’s okay to have your own.
With all that said I think it’s important to be proud of what you do, give yourself credit for it, and be grateful for the opportunities within your work. While at the same time, own the fact it may not be everyone’s cup of tea but it is yours and that’s okay. Here’s why I’m proud of the work I do as a SAHM, what I have learned as a result of being one, as well as why I’m grateful I get to do it :
I can effectively balance competing demands.
My kids respect my authority.
I save my family tons of money.
I bring peace to my family.
I am a stabilizing presence in my family.
My house is well-maintained. I’ve learned to be a good steward of our belongings.
I know what we need and what we don’t.
My children can be sick and rest and I don’t have to choose between them and outside work.
I have quantity time with my children and therefore quality time happens naturally .
I get to set my own schedule and priorities.
I decide when the work day starts and ends and how strenuous it will be based on everyone’s needs (including mine) .
I have more time to teach my kids about discipline and chores.
I get to be my kids main influence.
I can set aside time for creative pursuits.
I have more control over what I and my family eat because I have more capacity to cook.
My home environment is more peaceful and under control than it would be otherwise.
A side note
This is the way my family and I are choosing to do things and it’s what works for us. We have chosen this way of life because it is in line with our values, temperaments, financial situation, and overall life circumstance in general. We don’t choose it because it is the “right” or only way to do things, and we realize our priorities may change in the future and we are open to that. We make sacrifices to live this way but for us the quantity time we are able to have is well worth it. We are blessed to be able to find a way to make it work, I realize many families can’t especially where there is a very high cost of living.
If you can’t be a stay-at-home mom, or don’t want to, own that and be proud of what YOU do
I also want to note I fully support women working outside the home for whatever reason whether it’s an emotional need or financial need. I also support any woman in getting outside help and outsourcing where she can and where she sees fit even if she’s a SAHM. I don’t think this is indulgent, I think it’s wise. When you outsource you can save your energy on things that are closer to your core values, like more family time, or time to use your blue flame. It’s all a matter of where you think it’s most important for you to be spending your time and making that work according to your financial situation. Money is a tool and I think being wise is putting using your money in a way that aligns with your values and current hopes and dreams. It doesn’t mean always saving money no matter the cost.
As I stated in my previous post, I’d be writing about my postpartum rules of engagement. To learn more about what I mean exactly by “rules of engagement”, check it out my previous post.
I am an extremely analytical person. I need structure, I need rules, or I go crazy. And when I am tired, hungry, irritated, restless, etc and not on my usual routine I get more irritated and frustrated and I can start to engage in unhealthy habits like avoiding feelings through eating or being overly busy. Having rules and routines and knowing how to manage my expectations makes a huge difference in my overall feeling of calm. I can be a slave to my expectations and it just adds frustration to my life. For instance, instead of expecting this will be the night that the baby sleeps more, it is more helpful to expect that the baby will wake up swveral times and if he only wakes up once or twice I can be thankful. Expectations can be tricky things! Knowing the facts helps and setting guidelines also helps.
Let’s start with the facts.
Fact: I just had a baby.
Fact: My sleep is therefore unpredictable.
Fact: My schedule is unpredictable.
Fact: I have other people who need me.
Fact: I have needs.
Fact: We are in a pandemic.
So based on the facts, I am not in a normal everyday, predictable circumstance. This means that even if I am on top of the things I can control like my eating habits and exercise, I still am going to be coping with some yucky feelings from time to time because of being off my routine and from lack of sleep. So what to do?
Make a Plan
Here are my postpartum rules of engagement, if you will:
My mission: Take care of myself and everyone else in as calm a manner as possible, let go of expectations and practice gratitude. Help my baby learn to sleep and guide him onto a flexible routine.
My goal: Thrive in current circumstance and give myself grace because the battle IS harder right now.
When will I re-evaluate my goal? July 6, 2020.
How will I know I am succeeding? I practice self-care (get dressed presentably, bathe, read, write, move) each day even for 5 minutes. The dishes, laundry, and tidying aren’t necessarily COMPLETE but worked on. Everyone is hugged, kissed, fed, and loved. My baby is well fed and well rested. He is woken up around the same time each day and has his last feeding at the same time each day.
What are some possible obstacles and what will I do when they occur? (My if, then plans) When interruptions occur: Go back to where I was I. My routine.
If baby needs me: Delegate care to husband or go to baby.
If I am hungry, angry, lonely, tired: Eat, talk to someone, exercise or take a nap accordingly. If one or more isn’t possible, make my life easier – ask for help, get paper plates, get take out, or just try to make the things I have to do more fun. Delegate, Delete, Delight.
If I feel like emotionally eating, do it just make it a fruit and healthy protein snack.
If I feel frustrated because the house is a mess, practice self-care and then make a REALISTIC plan to get things in order.
If I am mad because I am “behind” on my routine, remind myself of my expectations: the routine is there to help and can be followed in a flexible manner according to the family’s needs.
My rules help me to be in the present moment and help my rigid mind have something to expect. If it’s time for lunch, make lunch. If it’s time for dinner, make dinner. If it’s time for winding down, wind down. Respect the boundaries of the day. They are there to promote a sense of calm and peace. Drop unfinished work and accept progress, just for now.
I can’t take credit for the concept of “rules of engagement”. A good friend of mine and my family coined this phrase.
So what do I mean by rules of engagement, first of all? They are the rules we set for ourselves to cope with life in the best, healthiest way possible with our current circumstances.
Why is it important to have rules?
Well, if you are anything like me, you are a perfectionist who has an ego to contend with that loves to beat you up for your decisions. When you have rules it helps alieviate some of that nonsense. It also helps you see what is realistic for your current circumstance, avoids decision fatigue, and defines what success looks like in your life as it is right now. You can also lay out terms for when you give yourself grace and when you are making an excuse ahead of time so there won’t be any in the moment “I don’t feel like it” stuff going on.
A good book called the Kindness Method lays out a framework that can be applied to many different life goals. Answering these questions helps you develop some “rules of engagement”:
What is your goal?
When will you reevaluate this goal? Set a date.
How will you know you are succeeding?
What are some possible obstacles that will occur and what is your plan for overcoming them? (If…then…)
What are unavoidable circumstances, events, interruptions, emergencies, etc. that could cause a lapse to occur?
What will you do to make sure the lapse doesn’t become a new bad habit?
How will you celebrate your wins?
Stay tuned for another post about my postpartum rules of engagement!
I have just become a momma of three!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉
I love all of my babies and a new baby brings so much joy.
But it’s hard! Hard to balance the competing demands of the children, the house, my own needs and my husband’s.
And since I’ve never been a mother of three before, I don’t really know what to expect and how much time will be dedicated to caring for everyone. Over time, things will get more predictable but meanwhile, I need some sense of normalcy . Here’s my plan:
- Get dressed and wear clothes that fit now/buy a few new ones
- Try to keep my routines but loosely
- Keep writing
- Keep reading
- Keep family traditions like movie night
- Prioritize special time with my older kids even if it’s once a week.
- Utilize my kids help
- Involve my kids in the babies care even if it’s having them choose the babies outfit for the day
- Prioritize getting to bed at a decent time but have some time with husband watching a show
- Make time to laugh. Jim Gaffigan anyone?
- Take little walks to process any anxiety/stress
- Give myself grace to get the help I need
- Recieve help graciously.
- Try to delight in the dishes and laundry …thank God I have so many people to love.
- Practice awareness with my emotional state and talk about it and take action to alleviate and process difficult emotions.
- Eat the cookie, buy the shoes. Give myself grace to let go a little when it comes to all the things I try to be on top of all of the time.
What helps/helped you navigate the postpartum time?
I was listening to Jennifer Fulwiler’s new podcast and on her episode about “now we are all fat and broke”, she talks about how we need to give yourself grace when we are in hard circumstances, such as a global pandemic. She talks about how she’s been eating junk food, drinking too much and buying too much and the difference between addiction and just using things to cope for a short period of time.
Human beings have ever-changing needs
This really resonated with me because I can be too hard on myself and want to operate and maximum efficiency every single day no matter what. I have difficulty looking at my circumstances realistically and I can burn myself out by creating unnecessary pressure. I can also add stress to my home by taking on unnecessary tasks. I forget as human beings we have dynamic needs and everyday is different.
Eat the cookie, buy the shoes
Guys sometimes we just need to eat the cookie and buy the shoes. (As Joyce Meyer would say).
The “responsible” part of us, our ego, tells us that we aren’t trying hard enough. That we can’t be trusted to get on track at a better time and if we are tired it’s because to there is something wrong with us instead of thinking oh wait it makes sense that I feel this way and talk about it with someone some solutions.
How do you know you really need a break and it’s just not laziness?
It greatly helps me to make a list of serious reasons that would prevent me from following “rules” I have for myself. Under these circumstances, as Jen Fulwiler’s husband pointed out, the needs will be greater. I’ll need more food, more rest, more recreation and more help. Help could be meals out, a person helping me, child care, more screen time for everyone, etc. This also may mean spending a little more money. I think it’s important to set a date though where you will evaluate if you are still in survival mode so things don’t get out of hand and your temporary ways of coping don’t become problematic. Serious reasons to “break the rules” :
- A global pandemic
- New baby
- Unexpected guests
- Major life transitions
- The loss of a loved one
You just have to give yourself grace when the battle is harder. Most people I know just blame themselves and push themselves more when the battle is harder…but then they burn out. You gotta carry on , refuel, rest, and refresh so you can keep going long term. There’s nothing wrong with you, things aren’t normal right now, they may just truly be harder. If there’s something you can change, change it but if not just give yourself a break. ❤️
Guys, I just got so inspired by this video:
The video has so much great information , definitely worth watching the whole thing but the part about sharing how grateful you are, instead of how great you are, really resonated with me. But I’m going to put a slightly different twist on it.
You see, I haven’t posted anything social media for some time because I am turned off when people use it to brag and I wouldn’t want to be that way toward someone else. But, not sharing doesn’t do any good either. Sharing the ways God has blessed me definitely make me a more secure and confident person but they can also glorify God. I repeat: sharing the talents and knowledge I have in a humble manner is not bragging, it’s glorifying God.
What is bragging anyway?
the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.
- a modest or low view of one’s own importance; humbleness.
Recently I was listening to the Fountains of Carrots podcast, and one of the ladies on there was talking about becoming holy through folding a pair of pants. This resonated with me. You see, since I don’t work outside the home, I spend much of my time at home with my two little ones. Sometimes I can feel as though I don’t have the ability to have the impact I want on the rest of the world. Can I go volunteer at the soup kitchen? Well, maybe but that would take so much coordinating it would be unbelievable. Can I become a missionary to a different country? No. So what can I do on my path to become holy? What do I have to work with? How can I build up the church? How can I become holy?Continue reading “Holiness Through What You Have”
I think we all are doing our best to remember our health goals, financial goals, etc. The things that take a lot of discipline and aren’t necessarily enjoyable to do, but have great benefits. All the things we do to be responsible adults.
But what about the things that make life worth living?
Eating your favorite meal? Going out for ice cream? Sleeping in? Trying that new coffee shop? When was the last time you thought of a pleasurable activitiy, wrote it down and actually scheduled it?
I started thinking about this after reading Girl Wash Your Face, and The Empowered Wife. In Girl wah Your Face, the author talks about how she was super disciplined in regard to her physical health, but her stress level was through the roof because she needed to just slow down and take times to do what she loved. I found this so interesting because I though if you ate right and exercised, your would be at optimum health. But that’s not the case. We have to feed our souls. We need joy. Doing what sets your soul on fire fills your cup back up.
What things do you do to fill up your cup?
My husband and I decided to rearrange some things in our home . I really enjoy doing this from time to time, it really refreshes the space and everyone gets excited about it! Creating new zones for things can really improve function in the home. The goal that inspired this change was creating a sort of cubicle area for the desk away from where we have our TV.
As you see in the last photo we made a little homeschool corner. My son and I start homeschool kindergarten this fall! I’m so excited.
I also went to Dollar Tree for the first time in months and got some stuff for the kids and some stuff for organizing the fridge! I was so excited to accomplish this project!
What do you like to do to refresh your space?