Image used in featured photo is from here.
I was inspired to share a few stories and what I’m learning from a podcast I listened to recently. You’ll see how they relate.
Once upon a time, my husband and I took off 4 days from work and booked a spur of the moment trip to Maui. We stayed at a nice hotel in Kahului, walking distance to various shops including a local’s favorite ice cream shop. We went thrifting, driving,
exploring, shopping, and we went to the beach. We had a great time, we definitely would like to go back and spend more time there but even though it was a short stay, it was totally worth it.
During our stay, I expressed to my husband how much I wanted a drink in a coconut. Without my knowing, he moved heaven and earth to get me that coconut drink. He called countless restaurants and hotels in his search. Finally he found a restaurant that served drinks in real coconuts at a Waldorf Astoria hotel. He took me there for dinner. It was so special – not just because it was a fancy restaurant, but because I felt so loved and cherished that he would do all that just for me.
He was my coconut drink hero.
I went out to dinner with a close friend of mine recently and she told me that one of her friends has recently gotten engaged. She found his love for his fiance so inspiring that she wanted to share his story with me. His fiance said she wanted a pedicure but didn’t know if any place was open. He called every pedicure place around to find somewhere for her. He found one about to closed but he convinced them to stay open so his fiance could get a pedicure. What a hero!
Men Need to Be Needed & a Podcast
Both of these stories relate to a podcast I listened to recently. The podcast talked about there are two energies that men and women operate in. Hunting mode, and gathering mode. Hunting mode is what you would expect, that state when we are driven to get something done, and gathering mode is when we are open to connection and fun. Sometimes women get stuck in hunting mode and this harms their health and their relationships. They overtax their bodies because they don’t have enough testosterone to maintain hunting mode for long, and they create barriers with those around them because they send the message that they are self-sufficient and don’t need anything. But men need to be needed. The lady giving the podcast said to a group of men ” what kind of woman is the kind you want to marry?” A man said “a smart capable woman who knows how to be vulnerable”. All the men nodded in agreement. She also said that men hope women will say yes when they offer help, whereas women ask this out of habit, and hope the person will say no. Men want to help us so we can be as happy and cherished as we can possibly be, if we will only let them.
So Much To Learn, Always in Hunting Mode
I don’t know about you, but I have so much to learn about going into gathering mode and learning how to be vulnerable. I have definitely grown in this regard, but especially as a mom of young children, I find myself getting stuck in hunting mode. I want to stay on top of all the things so I keep going and going. My family becomes more stressed out because they just want me to be happy but have no clue how to make this happen.
Examples of Gathering Mode
I have no idea if the podcaster would agree with me here, but I always benefit from examples. To me, being in gathering mode would look something like this:
- taking your time
- singing, dancing, playing
- reading for pleasure
- spa-like grooming
- sitting down enjoying a meal
- taking a leisurely walk
- taking a nap
- watching your favorite movie
- honoring your desires, keeping a desires list and sharing it
- creating art
Examples of Vulnerability
- Saying “Can you help me?”
- Saying “I can’t”
- Saying “whatever you think” and resisting taking responsibility and control over every decision
- Saying “I don’t know” to something that your man can figure out on his own like what time it is or where his pants are.
When we are happy, our mates become attracted to us. We are like a magnet. We have to take responsibility for our own happiness and give ourselves permission to relax.
Watch Out for the Resentment Flu, It’s Contagious!
In the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, John Gray talks about the concept of “resentment flu”. I am going to relate this to hunting mode. Sometimes women get stuck in hunting mode and doing for everyone around them. They want to give good things to everyone but sometimes they give too much and the men in their lives especially pick up on this. They don’t mean to act this way but they start to be angry and resentful to their men. The man feels unappreciated and catches the resentment flu. The way to heal is to get into gathering mode and have fun, be frivolous and practice self care and gratitude towards your man. I think someones women think that if they give more they will get more and it becomes a vicious cycle. Men are inspired bu a woman’s vulnerability. If she never shows it he thinks he isn’t needed and becomes depressed and uninspired. I have definitely seen this play out in my life. And it makes so much sense! If i am a grumpy porcupine, why would my man want to come hug me ? He might get poked!
Which mode do you find yourself in most? Do you see how it impacts your relationships? What actions will you take to balance out and get into gathering mode more often and heal from “the resentment flu”? How are you at being vulnerable? I’d love to hear in the comments!